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My dear friend
I wish i could start this letter with something less clicheè than when you read this i will already be far away. Unfortunately that is the actual truth at hand and i can do nothing more but apologize for the very tacky situation i've put you in.
My abrupt departure may seem sudden to you, despite the fact that i've been talking about it for quite some time. I think, no i fear, that most probably you are solely surprised by the fact that i finally followed through on one of the countless "silly" ideas i spring up with on a regular basis.
I'm ashamed to admit that writing this letter is a very selfish act on my part. For i realize that the meaning of it, if i succeed in expressing myself somewhat clearly, will haunt and torment you.
But since i can not bear this burden alone, i have tried, i wish to apologize beforehand and assure you that the thought of putting blame on you and somehow picture you as the guilty party has never even entered my mind, and neither should it yours. I have never recieved anything but good deeds out of a well meaning heart from you, so please refrain from twisting you own actions after the fact so as to be able to accuse yourself of having intentions less honorable than they were.
I have grown very fond of you.
To the extent that i even hold you as my closest friend. I realize that you may fail to see anything but flattery in that statement so let me clarify for you. I have, despite my own eager attempts to stop myself, come to be fond of you in a way you've stated clearly that you do not wish me to be.
I wont embarrass you with the pathetic details of this fact, but i do feel compelled to assure you that for the longest time i did try to keep going as if nothing had changed. But i underestimated my own hearts stubbornness and desire to rebel against me.
To my own despair i found myself filled with excitement and joy everytime you did something that i could twist and turn in my mind until i'd convinced myself that the kindly spoken words, or the glance that i construded to be "meaningful" actually was proof that i had strong reasons to be hopeful.
I found myself stuck in an emotional paris-wheel where i sunk down in tormenting anguish everytime a situation forced me to realize that i was not as special in your eyes as i'd hoped to be. Only to in the next moment be whirled to the skies by a smile you directed only to me.
.
I am exhausted.
I am not able to stop myself and get off this insane carousel.
I have lost control, and it scares me.
I am burned out hollow, and all i have left to give is sadness and grief.
So i am removing myself the only way i can, physically, as a last resort with fear of going under as my motivator.
It may be the wrong decision.
But since asking you to be deliberately cruel to me would be the same as asking you to act directly against your very nature, this seems to be the only option i have left.
.
You will always be very dear to my heart.
And i hope you understand when i say that even so, although i at this moment do not believe it to be possible, i do wish that i could erase you out of it.
I am aware of that i by sending you this letter have distressed you greatly and for that i apologize. I find comfort though, and so should you, in the fact that after obsessing intensely over this a day or two you will most likely forget about it.
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It will be alright.
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